Servusamanu.com

I finally got to write! On Thursday, I managed to jot down some 1200 words. It’s the first time in probably three months that I’ve had time to really sit down and get some things written.

Every writer out there says the biggest hurdle to new authors is the tendency to get distracted and not actually write anything at all. It’s not exactly a complicated theory – never write, never get better, never get published. That’s true regardless of the market, the plot, or the crazy characters and their exciting hijinks.

I console myself that I still write frequently, just in other capacities. At work I write a great deal, mostly tech policy or explanations of the science fiction going on in my department. Freelancing, I occasionally write some website copy – that’s almost like writing fiction. I keep up with servusamanu and robertdrake.net weekly and I have a sporadically updated journal that reads like a inventory – but it technically qualifies at writing.

It doesn’t always come through the digital filter, but I’m terribly anal with my todo lists. Maybe that does come through, I don’t know. Every day I have a morning list of some 12 items that I go through – check websites, shower, do 15 minutes of french, etc. Once I get through these items I proceed to my shortterm item list. In theory this is nothing but the occasional errand, but in reality it’s a categorical listing of all the major projects that I consider shortterm-an arbitrary grouping that inevitably overwhelms me.

By the end of the day I’ve had 9 hours of work with the commute, possibly 3 hours of class, and that’s before I’m attempted to do anything. My short term list includes such line items as get brakes checked and fix my computer backup, but also semi-longterm half goals like watch season 4 of madmen and play The Witcher. Lastly, I include the large productive things I try to work on like keeping my web-design clients happy, programming assorted side projects, and doing research on all the things that exist in my particular world.

I’m fairly good at managing my short-term item list, but my inability to close items with any rapidity tends to drive me insane – with things always unfinished the day never really ends. That final hour of casual stress free relaxation never really comes around.

And then there’s the weekend.

Aside from the 18 items that I throw at myself every weekend, I’m often traveling or visiting or have other tangential plans (also known as socialization and having friends) that are never list items. Originally I only started my weekend items on the weekend, but as they’ve grown in duration and importance I’ve begun to attack them on thursday – it usually takes me four days to get anywhere close to finishing them.

The result is the physical exhaustion of being awake and actively performing tasks for some 12-14 hours a day and the mental exhaustion of never feeling the slightest bit complete. There’s just always so much to do…

It should be somewhat telling that I didn’t list writing at all. I do keep a writing list, many in fact, and they hide out at the bottom of my todo list just waiting to rise to the top. The theory was that as important as writing is, it can’t interfere with every day living – the car still needs gas, rent still needs paying, and if I’m going to do freelance design the clients need work – but in practice it means that I never write. I only feel comfortable even considering writing when got everything else done, which almost never happens. I go all day inspired to get much completed as possible so I have time to jot at least a few words down, but by the end of the day all my time is gone or I’m so tired I couldn’t possibly concentrate on much of anything. Alternatively, I’m done with everything I can do and I have a little time, but because tasks remain unfinished I am terrorized by a nervousness that I’m not doing what I’m supposed to be.

As a hobby writing is really quite terrible – time consuming, no particular chance of profitability or any other significant reward. For me it’s tremendously stressful to do anything but extremely short stories because I can’t finish them in a reasonable amount of time (a few days at most.) My lack of patience makes everything harried and amateurish. Editing becomes a line item, something to check off, instead of a process of improvement. By the end of the day I have a story written with the haste and care of a doctor’s prescription.

This particular alignment of psychosis, desire, and daily torment remains a glaring problem in a carefully crafted existence otherwise devoid of dramatics or revolution. It’s absurd but positively true that my life is utterly dictated by the form and arrangement of my lists – a change in order or placement will have a profound affect on when, why, and how well I do something. Thus far, I have yet to find an appropriate method of inputting writing into the routine. The problem is it is an unconstrained block of effort – items that have clear solutions are made to fit, but things like study french and writing – I frequently cut corners just to take them off the list. I waterdown my own ambitions for the sake of completion. It’s despicable, but also so hard-coded that I see no plausible method of subversion.

And thus I am brought to Nanowrimo – national novel writing month. It’s a challenge run every year to encourage people to write 50,000 words in a month. The amount if difficult, but certainly plausible, just over 1000 words a day. I can manage three times that given the appropriate mood and just a few hours of time. The whole project doesn’t start until next month, but I’m hoping to use it as a method of discipline and motivation. I have an idea – something spontaneous and light, no research or gravitas required – to throw into the mix. I’d like to think this might be a successful additiona to the other upteen tasks I’ve decided require my attention – including this highly unnecessary blog.

If not, well, at least I had something to talk about for today. Write Servusamanu Article

Mission Accomplished.